


The Time Sollux and Dave Fucked For Science

by urgaylol



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, College AU, Interspecies Sex, Like Platonic Fluff, M/M, Mild Fluff, Not the hottest thing I've ever written, Oral Sex, Porn Without Plot, Sex, Smut, a bad sense of humor, a casual dab, a jab at paul ryan's dignity, basically just porn, for the sake of experimentation, human dave, maybe some lite subliminal social commentary that literally no one asked for, no romantic subplot just friends having sex, sex for science, so if you're reading this after early 2017 sorry, troll Sollux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 03:46:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10235189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/urgaylol/pseuds/urgaylol
Summary: Your name is Sollux Captor and you've never been able to scientifically analyze how a dick works. Maybe you can change that.I've mentioned Sollux and Dave fucking for science in like all of my other works, it's one am, so I thought I would write this because I've lost control of my life





	

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Dave and Sollux don't get to talk that much in canon (which is such a shame) but I've always written them as being good friends. Because let's be honest, they would be.
> 
> For the two of you who might ask, I am working on that Erisol that I promised a few people. I should have it up in less than a month. But I wanted to write this one before the ship completely died. Now, if only I could write that Aradia/Terezi one I always wanted to do.
> 
>  
> 
> I don't own homestock pls don't sue me hussie

 

            Your name is Sollux Captor and you have no idea why Dave is messaging you in the middle of your college campus library, when he’s literally in eyeshot.

TA: you realiize iim liike ten feet away from you, riight?

TA: ii can liiterally 2ee your face from behiind the moniiter youre at.

TA: ju2t come over here and talk two me iin per2on.

TG: no way man its way more fun this way

TG: when we type words at each other instead of just pulling them out our mouths it creates this air of drama

TG: because i have no idea if youre being straight with me bro

TG: i cant hear your vocalized annunciations

TG: and that puts me on the edge of my fucking seat

TA: oh great for you dave iim 2uper 2toked you fiind inneffiecant communiicatiion two be thriilliing. what do you need?

TG: god why are you so pissy all the time

TA: it2 a defen2e mechiin2m agaiin2t a crule world, my iinabiiliity two proce22 my feeliing2 properly, and my criipliing fear of my co2iimiic iin2iigniifiicance and eventual death.

TA: iim 2orry. iill try two be niicer.

TA: what do you need from me?

TA: ok that diidnt actually 2ound niicer.

TG: weve been friends for four years and this is the thanks i get

TG: and to think i gave birth to you

TA: what the fuck are you bla2tiing about?

TG: how dare you swear in front of your mother

TA: choke me mommy.

TG: gross

TG: go be a freak somewhere else

TG: go be one of those weirdos who comments on porn if youre going to talk like that

TG: but seriously do you know how hard it is to keep an erection when slutboi69 commented 'wow that chick at 4:13 looks like she could use a good pokin’

TA: no ii dont fuckiing know what iit2 liike two lo2e an erectiion.

TA: what do you thiink ii have down there?

TG: a lot

TA: that2 faiir

TG: i mean

TG: ive seen enough porn to know about the whole nook and bulge thing

TG: but i dont know how they work

TG: all they did in health class was teach us that if we had sex we would get pregnant and die and then satan would smell our shame and send us to super mega death hell

TA: iif you really want two know about my geniital2, ju2t google iit.

TG: ok google search for solluxs genitals

TG: sorry man nothing came up this shits dryer than melania trump on laundry night

TA: 2ucc my nook.

TG: unfortunately i wouldnt know how

TG: i dont know how to fuck a troll

TG: i know its bad ive only had sex with humans like how can i truly be a man of diversity

TA: um.

TG: what

TA: are you curiiou2?

TG: what do you mean

TA: are you curiiou2 about how iinter2peciie2 2exual iincounter2 go?

TG: i guess

TG: who isnt

TG: i mean im surrounded by aliens all day and i cant help it if my subconscious tells me to mate with them so i can widen my hypothetical childrens gene pools

TG: i cant fucking widen my gene pool with them theyre a different species

TG: but my subconscious doesnt know that and all he cares about is making little striders to carry out my legacy after i die

TA: ii can relate two that.

TA: but iive never fucked a human

TA: well, once. but they werent a man. and human men have the 2cary 2tuff.

TG: wow thanks

TG: i will have you know i am perfectly normal down there

TG: depressing average if im being completely honest

TA: youre really 2elliing your2elf here.

TG: youve never fucked a human with a dick before

TG: youre missing out

TG: i mean not on anything that great but you are by technical definition missing out bromeo

TA: do you want two change that?

TG: wat

TA: youve never had 2ex wiith a troll.

TA: iive never experiienced human male geniitaliia.

TA: do you 2ee what iim gettiing at?

TG: elaborate

TA: do ii really have two? ii told myself ii wa2 goiing two be unchariictarii2tiically 2exually a22ertiive when ii 2aiid that, and now iim ju2t kiind of embarra22ed.

TA: ii dont know why god doe2nt 2top me before ii 2erve my own a22.

TA: oh waiit, ye2 ii do. iit2 becau2e god fuckiiing hate2 me.

TG: youre blushing

TA: 2top lookiing at me

TA: you would be blu2hiing two iif you ju2t pre2ented your geniitaliia two a long term friiend a2 a 2econd cor2e after a 2tarter plate of pa22iive agre22iive iinuendoe2.

TG: are you asking me if i want to do the sideways charleston with you

TA: ii wa2 untiill you called iit that.

TA: ii wa2 2ugge2tiing iit. iin a way that ii wii2hed ii would have been more he2iitant about.

TA: platoniically.

TA: do you want two 2tiick iit iin me for 2ciience?

TG: ok

TA: waiit, really?

TG: i feel our friendship can handle a little benefits

TG: and i feel secure enough with you to not worry about you judging me for that weird birthmark on my butt

TG: lets fucking do this i got nothing better going on right now and i feel brave

TA: riight now?

TG: ok yeah youre right we should at least get out of the library first

TA: ii diidnt mean twoday

TG: i mean it doesnt have to be today

TG: but you kind of got me thinking about it

TA: yeah, me two.

TA: iit2 been a whiile.

TA: liike at lea2t four day2.

TG: thats your idea of a while

TA: 2orry for being 2tre22ed out all the tiime and needing two be a two-fold 2lut two try and get my thiink-pan two chill.

TA: do you really want to do thii2 riight now?

TG: why not

TG: johns in my dorm though

TA: miine2 free for at lea2t two hour2.

TG: oh darn i think i might need a little more time than that

TA: iim 2ure.

TA: the la2t tiime 2omeone told me that they finii2hed on my hand before ii even got iit iin.

TG: glad theyve lowered the bar for me

TA: oh gog

TA: thii2 ii2 the hard part.

TG: what is

TA: walkiing two my dorm wiith you.

TA: haviing two face you riight now.

TG: you go on ahead

TG: i dont think the world is ready for what will be displayed if i stand up right now

TG: i need a few minutes to cool down

TG: think of it like a waiting for a bridge to lower after a barge passes by

TG: a barge owned by mitt romneys son

TG: its gonna take a few minutes so sit back and open a bottle of get ready for my cock

TA: what are jabbiing about?

TA: oh

TA: OH

TG: ill see you in a few minutes

            You make the walk of shame out of the computer lab, passing Dave on your way. He dabs when you walk by. God, what a dick.

            Your dorm room is only about a five minute walk away, but you take your sweet time getting there to attempt to chill your nerves.

            You open the door and suddenly realize that there’s no bed, you have no idea if the condoms you have will work on whatever the fuck Dave is packing, and that the pile of trash you sleep on is just in the middle of the floor.

            Oh, wait, he probably wouldn’t judge you for that. He’s been in your dorm room a million times. And calm down, Sollux, your couch pulls out into a bed. You work on getting the stupid cushion to pull out while you contemplate why you’re freaking out so much.

            Are you panicking about ruining your friendship with Dave? Maybe. But you’re pretty sure that you can both handle it. Maybe you’re just freaking out a little about having sex with a human.

            More likely, you’re just feeling that nervous-yet-excited feeling you usually do before you have sex because you have no idea how it’s going to go. Which is just intensified because it’s with someone you’ve known for so long and it’s come up so sudden.

            If you’re being honest with yourself, you’ve thought about what it would be like with Dave a few times. He was attractive, and didn’t shame you for that much for wanting to fuck the quadratic formula. And more importantly, he didn’t annoy you, which you found sexy. At least, in a sort of platonic sense. Wait, did platonic just mean a lack of romantic attraction, or a lack of romantic and sexual attraction?

            You lay on the newly pulled out futon and try to finish your calculus homework while you wait for Dave. It’s been at least three minutes, and you don’t know what’s taking him so long.

            There’s a knock at the door.

            “Who is it?” you ask, like a fucking dumbass.

            “Steven Spielberg.” says Dave.

            “It’s unlocked.” you say. Dave opens the door and you go to back to burning a hole through your Calc homework. You feel the bed dip when he sits next to you.

            “Sup.” he says.

            You finally look up at him. He looks at you. A few moments pass.

            You both start laughing. You instantly feel more at ease.

            “Dude.” he says.

            “What?”

            “We’re gonna have to see each other naked.”

            You smile. “We can turn the lights off if you really want to.”

            “We’re gonna have to kiss.”

            You snort. “I mean, we don’t have to. We could always just masturbate in different rooms and then see if we could get our genitals to go in each other.”

            “You do know what’s going in what, right?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

            “Yes, Dave, I’m not that socially inadequate.”

            “Are you sure about that?” He points at your computer set up and smirks.

            “Oh, fuck you. Did you bring a thing?”

            “A thing?”

            “For your, whatever the fuck it’s called.” you stutter, momentarily forgetting what a penis is called.

            “A condom? Yeah, I always got one on me.”

            “Ok.” you say.

            “Ok.” he replies.

            You stare at each other uncertainty. You look him up and down. He’s the thinnest of anyone you know except for you, and you try not to think about how you two are going to look like two underfed bone-cases while fucking. Despite that, you think his body does have a nice shape to it.

            “Ok, how do we do this?” he asks and you realize he’s just a nervous as you.

            “You should probably get around to kissing me, if you’re not too busy questioning every decision we’ve made that led us here.”

            He laughs and takes his glasses off. You follow suit.

            You’re not really in a “stare into Dave’s eyes” kind of mood, but you do think they’re pretty.

            “Why don’t you kiss me first, instead?” he asks.

            “Why do I have to do it?”

            “Fine. We’ll flip a coin.” he says. He pulls out a quarter that has Sasuke on it for some reason that you don’t feel a strong desire to question right now.

            “Heads I win, tails you lose?” you say.

            He flips it.

            “Tails. Damn. I lost. Wait…” he trails off, about to figure out that you rigged the game. Before he can contemplate it, you tug on the back of his neck and bring his mouth to yours.

            It’s softer than you were expecting. There’s no fireworks, but it’s nice and it sends a spark through you. You pull away after a few moments.

            “Huh.” he says.

            “Huh.” you say.

            “What do we do now?” he asks.

            “We kiss again, but a little bit more passionately.” you answer, surprised you’re the one leading this encounter.

            Dave threads a hand through your hair, bringing your mouths back together. You notice he feels tense for a second, but seems to loosen up when you put your hands around his waist.

            You move your mouth a bit against his, and he follows your lead. You feel yourself being pushed backwards onto the bed. You keep your hands on his sides, resisting the urge to purr affectionately at the way he’s kissing you softly and laying on top of you.

            His hands brush past your ears, and he breaks the kiss.

            “What?” you ask.

            “I’ve never touched a troll’s ears before.” he answers. You look at his ears. Human ears always weirded you out, with all the creases and how close they were pulled to the skull. Your own ears were more like that of a purr beast. Or a cow. Cows were stupid.

            Dave traces your left ear with his finger, which causes it to twitch involuntarily. He looks amused.

            “Can I touch your horns?” he asks. You nod. This is supposed to be a learning experience, after all.

            Dave returns to kissing you. He runs his thumb over the surface of the rightmost, and you assume that he’s taking in all sorts of informative stimuli about the texture of horns. Just like you’re all sorts of taking in all sorts of informative stimuli about what his hips feel like under your fingers.

            You let your tongue flicker into his mouth, just for a moment. He parts his lips, letting you get more of a taste of his mouth.

            ‘ _Someone got into the apple juice again._ ’ is your first thought.

            ‘ _Why isn’t kissing without all that romance bullshit a more common practice? This is nice._ ’ is your second thought.

            You let your hands trail up Dave’s back, temped to go beneath his shirt. He’s warmer than you were expecting him to be. You push up on his chest, leading him to change positions to you. Why? Because you like the way he looks on his back, gazing up at you. You’ve only seen him without his shades a few times, and you’re surprised at how soft his face can sit.

            “Is this weird?” Dave asks.

            “Just a little. But not too much.” you reply.

            ‘ _The only reason it’s even mildly weird at all is because society teaches us to repress our sexual and physically-affectionate desires so we go through life starving ourselves and are forced to place all of our relationships with other people into very limited categories._ ’ says your stupid subconscious.

            ‘ _No one wants to hear from you. Go back to your corner._ ’ you think back at it.

            “Yeah, that’s how I feel. Is it weird that this isn’t that weird?” he asks.

            ‘ _No, because it’s completely normal for some people once you get over the learned behaviors society has forced down your throat. You’ve always wanted to be intimate with Dave, you’ve just never told him in fear of rejection and worry that he would think you were red for him._ ’ says your subconscious.

            ‘ _Go be woke somewhere else, you pretentious motherfucker._ ’ you think back.

            You kiss Dave again before you can get into another argument with yourself. To your surprise, he pulls your bottom lip into his mouth, rolling it with his tongue. You inhale sharply, and you feel him smirk.

            And then you feel him giggle. You break away, offended.

            “What?” you ask.

            “Sorry. Thought of a meme.” he answers.

            You’re going to get him back for that. You break away from his mouth, kissing down the side of his neck. You gaze your teeth over a few areas until you feel his breath hitch. You slide a hand under his shirt and up his chest. He’s not laughing at memes anymore.

            At least not out loud.

            You place your knee between his legs, and have the sudden desire for more contact. You slip your other hand under his shirt, sliding up the fabric until he sits both of you upright and pulls it off himself. He tugs on yours and you finally get a good close up of a human torso.

            Your eyes fall to his chest, and you see the two human lactation devices that you’ve only read a little bit about. Out of curiosity, you consider asking Dave to lactate for you, but decide it would probably ruin the moment. He has no grub scars, but he does have a few normal scars over his solar plexus that you figure he doesn’t want to talk about. He also has a belly button, which you knew had something to do with the way humans were born. You take some quick notes in the book beside your bed and decide to Google this later.

            ‘ _Sollux, you’re trying to get laid. Stop taking notes._ ’

            You let your eyes fall instead to the outline of muscles on his stomach, and the slight V shape on his lower abdominal. He has a small trail of body hair that leads down to his pelvis. You look back up before you he can catch you staring.

            He touches one of your grub scars.

            You kiss him again. This time, his hands are at your waist and yours are in his hair. His hair is incredibly soft. You’re a little bit jealous, and you force him back down on the bed a little rougher out of spite.

            You’re kissing him more frantically now, and you’re starting to get used to the way his lips work against yours, and the way he uses his teeth and tongue.

            You’re also just enjoying the way everything makes you feel; your whole body is buzzing. You feel safe with Dave, for one thing, but you also feel like you’re fulfilling some desire. Having your naked torso pressed against Dave’s is satisfying. You spend several minutes just exploring the area of his back with your hands.

            You chirp as Dave flips you over, reclaiming his place on top. You’re immediately embarrassed about said chirp, but Dave doesn’t comment, only kissing down your collar bone until he reaches your grub scars. You hum a bit to let him know you’re enjoying it; they’re sensitive.

            You realize that you’ve had a depressing lack of experience with his lower body, and grab hold of the back of his thigh. Fuck, he has nice legs. You move your other hand into his back pocket, pulling him closer to you.

            A blush dusts across your face when you realize that Dave’s whatever-the-fuck is hard and pressed up against the entrance to your nook through your pants.

            “What’s that called again?” you ask, trying to distract him from the fact that your bulge just unsheathed and is now squirming against his stomach.

            “What’s what called? My cock?” he says, his pupils a little more dilated than they had been before.

            You nod and he crashes his mouth against yours, running a hand up your thigh. Eventually, he reaches for the zipper on your pants.

            “Can I-“ he starts

            “Yes.” you interrupt, positioning your hips to make it easier for him to work your pants off.  You fumble with his belt buckle, but he steps back, slipping off his shoes first before he does it himself.

            You can see the outline of his cock through underwear that’s tighter than you expected Dave to wear. It’s completely static, which you’re not used to, but currently you’re too busy thinking about how it will feel inside you to care.

            And back to kissing. You hitch your leg up, and Dave uses the opportunity to put his hand on your butt. You hook your other leg around Dave’s back so that your genitals can have a meet and greet.

            When Dave presses his hips forward and fucking whimpers, you lose it a little bit, guiding his hand down to your nook. You probably should have asked first, but he seems into it and teases you through the thin fabric of your underwear with two fingers. You’re glad you’re still kissing, because the noise you just made was mostly muffled against his mouth. Call you self-conscious, but you had a bit of an “issue” with feeling vulnerable. _Calm down, edge lord, we all do._

            When you slip your hand down the back of Dave’s underwear, he breaks away.

            “What?” you ask.

            He looks nice like this, face flushed and lips reddened from so much kissing.

            “This is the hard part.” he answers.

            You suddenly get what he’s referring to; actually seeing each other’s genitalia.

            “We could probably get away with just keeping our eyes closed and seeing if we can get something to go in my nook.” you offer.

            “Bro, you were the one who wanted this to be about science.”

            You watch as Dave slides down his underwear. You stare. You stare some more. You take some notes.

            “What are you writing down?” asks Dave.

            “Theories on why evolution made your cock so weird.” you answer, like the great friend that you are.

            “Oh yeah? Let’s see what you have, then.”

            Without looking him in the eye, you strip off your remaining clothing. Dave stares.

            “You were not fucking around. That is a lot. Are you supposed to have no hair? I thought that was just a porn thing.” he asks. You inform him that your body is normal.

            He pulls you to sit with your legs hanging off the bed. He places two hands on your thighs, opening your legs. You immediately close them.

            “What are you doing?” you ask.

            “Trying to get a front row seat.” he answers “This is more educational than a Ted talk.”

            You sigh, opening your legs for him a bit. He burns a hole through your genitals, putting on a thinking face.

            “Ok. So” he says.

            “What?”

            “I’m gonna lick it.” he says. Two waves rush through your body. One is of anticipated pleasure, the other annoyance at Dave for actually saying “I’m gonna lick it.” to your genitals.

            “I mean, if you want me to.” he says. You nod.

            “What do you want me to pay attention to?” he asks.

            “Whichever you plan on fucking.” you answer. His breath hitches at that, and he presses face into your nook. You brush your bulge out of the way before it can tangle into his hair.

            “Fuck.” you gasp, taking in the feeling of his tongue against your nook. He runs it from the bottom of your slit to the base of your bulge, and it’s obvious he at least knows what he’s doing here. You suppose this isn’t that different for him than eating pussy, which you’re sure he’s managed to do at least once.

            You let your thighs wrap around Dave’s head, and your hands card through his hair. You focus on not pressing his face further into your genitals, out of fear of choking him.

            Dave brings a finger along with his tongue into your nook, and you can’t help but be vocal. So you put your arm over your mouth, moaning into it every time he hits your favorite nerve cluster. You show Dave with your own fingers where you liked to be touched. You squeeze your legs a little tighter around his head, tugging at his hair. Fuck, it had been too long.

            It only lasts a few minutes, though. Dave pulls away, wiping his face off with the back of his hand.

            “What?” you ask.

            He lays you back onto the bed, with his naked body pressed flush against yours.

            “Can I fuck you?” he asks, and screw anybody who said that asking for consent ruins the mood because that was sexy as hell.

            “Please.” you answer, watching him fumble with a condom, and then look away because you’re still not sure how you feel about what he has down there. Why are the shame globes on the outside?

            You stroke yourself absentmindedly, and he looks pleased to discover you’re doing that when he finishes wrapping his cock in cellophane.

            At the risk of watching him dick around for three minutes, you help and guide him into your nook. It takes you a few seconds to settle in, and you suddenly realize that you had not woken up this morning expecting your alien friend’s genitals to be up your nook.

            “Is it too late to go to the bathroom?” asks Dave, honest-to-gog while his cock is inside of you.

            “Are you shitting me right now?” you answer while he giggles like an idiot.

            “I’m kidding, I’m fine.”

            “Will you shut up and fuck- _Ohh_.” you start, but are interrupted by Dave giving an experimental thrust. His hips move somewhat differently than what you’re used to, because unlike you he has no maneuverability of his genitalia. Still, someone stimulating you is someone stimulating you, no matter what. And that felt good.

            “Will I shut up and what?” asks Dave, smirking like the asshole shit friend that he is.

            “Shut up and fuck- _Oh fuck_.” you once again try to answer, but are interrupted a second time by Dave slamming his cock into you.

            “Fuck, oh fuck?” he says “I don’t think that’s a coherent answer, dude.”

            Impatiently, you switch positions with Dave, settling yourself onto Dave so that you can ride him and not have to wait for him to finish being stupid.

            You discover quickly that it’s actually smoother to ride a dick than it is to ride a bulge, which is nice. Speaking of nice, you’re really enjoying the look on his face right now. You’re not going too fast, but he has an expression of bliss that your body can currently relate to.

            You feel self-conscious fucking him vertically and putting your entire upper body and writhing bulge on display, so you bury your face in his neck.

            “Can I make a comment?” asks Dave, breathier than usual.

            “As long as it’s not going to make my bulge go back inside of me.” you answer.

            “I just think this is nice.” he comments, placing a hand on your butt.

            “Sex, or my ass?”

            “Both.” He grabs your butt a little harder.

            “Flatterer.”

            “This is nice, too.” he says, touching your waist with his other hand.

            He’s not wrong, it is nice. Sex, you mean. You’re enjoying the feel of cock more than you were expecting. Specifically, his cock.

            “Your turn.” he says.

            “My turn for what?” you ask.

            Instead of answering, he pushes you over onto the bed, getting on top. You’re disappointed that he momentarily exits your nook in the process, but you quickly forget about it when he fucking plows down into you.

            He smirks at the noises you make.

            “Oh, I’m sorry.” you say sarcastically between breaths and moans “Sorry for enjoying being fucked by you. Will you stop mocking me?”

            “Sorry, you’re right. Look, I can assure you that I am very much enjoying this.”

            “Then why don’t you tell me about it?” you say, innocently “You know, for, science.”

            “Fuck. Ok, sure. For starters, your nook is incredibly warm. And it feels very nice around my cock.” he says. For science. You shiver.

            “And?”

            “I’m really liking the way you, you know-“ he starts, giving you a particularly hard thrust which causes your breath to hitch noticeably.

             He smiles. “Yeah, the way you do that when I- _fuck_.” he tries to finish, but is caught off guard by you this time when you purposely tighten yourself around him. You resist the urge to stoop to his level and tease him for it.

            He continues. “It’s also just nice to see you like this.”

            “Like what?” you asked, confused.

            “Not looking so goddamn stressed.”

            Dave pushes into you a little harder, and his rhythm becomes a bit more sporadic. He’s louder now, his breathing turning into a series of quiet moans. You give up trying to suppress the noises you’re making in turn. Instead, you close your eyes, focusing on the way your body feels, and the endorphins that rush through your body every time his cock rubs against your inner walls. You wrap your legs around his back, hooking your ankles together and allowing him to get in deeper.

            “Fuck, you’re gonna make me come.” he says. You resist the urge to say ‘already?’ and instead focus on his facial expressions, because they’re gorgeous.

            “Then fucking come, Dave.” you say.

            He swears loudly, and tries to bury his face in your shoulder. You lift his head up, wanting to see his face when he loses it. He’s shaking, and making noises that you doubt his normal cool and collected self would be ok with. You love it. Fuck, it’s nice seeing him so uncharacteristically vulnerable.

            “Shit, Sollux, that feels so fucking- _fuck_.” he says, body convulsing into yours. He gives a few more shaky thrusts, eventually slowing down. He collapses on you. You still feel a burning in your nook, informing you how close you got and that you’re about to have a serious case of blue balls. If you had balls, or red blood.

             “Well, you lasted six minutes in me. A little less than your previous estimate of two hours.”  you say.

            “You counted?” he asks.

            “I’m pretty good at chronological estimation.” you answer.

             Dave slides out of you. “Is six minutes good?”

            “Well, it’s about one minute longer than average sexual intercourse lasts.” you say. Dave shoots up in triumph.

            “Fuck yeah, dude.” he says “I’m slightly above mediocrity.”

            “Congratulations.”

            He looks down at your naked body, and fixating on your bulge that still hasn’t sheathed.

            “Do you want me to finish you?” Dave asks. Fuck yes, you want him to finish you.

            “Sure, it will make a good follow-up experiment.”

            “Do you want me to keep paying attention to your nook?” he asks.

            “Yeah. It’s usually harder for me to come with my nook, but I’m already over halfway there.”

            Dave leans over to kiss you. Damn, you had forgotten how good his mouth felt on yours. You try to ignore the taste of your nook in his lips. He runs a hand down your torso, stopping at the base of your nook and rubbing you with his fingers. You scoot up, attempting to get him to stop teasing and just finger fuck you.

            He stops teasing and starts finger fucking you. You squirm a bit, trying to get his fingers to hit, _yes, right there_.

            “Do you mind if I help you?” you ask Dave, knowing how difficult it was for anyone else alone to make you orgasm.

            “Not at all.” he replies. Fuck yeah, teamwork.

            You rub the top of your nook while Dave works the inside with his finger. It doesn’t take long before you feel the buildup of pressure in your pelvis and abdomen, which you welcome. You’re so close, and you can’t help that the quiet moans you’ve been making for the last thirty minutes turn into slightly-more-than-quiet moans.

            You’re tense, your foot just cramped up, but you power through, swearing loudly as your hips convulse. Pleasure washes through you, and you cling to Dave for dear life as you finish. You mutter some more obscenities to yourself before relaxing back onto your bed and letting the post-orgasm hormones do their job.

            Dave lies on top of you, silent. You’re also silent. You count to three, wondering which one of you is going to freak out first about what you just did.

            “Alright. Are we ready to discuss what we learned, in a scientific fashion, yo?” Dave asks like a fucking idiot.

            “I dunno, Strider. What did you learn on this double-decker bus ride of debauchery?” you snap back, trying to ignore the amount of fluids that are splattered all over your upper thighs.

            “I actually learned a lot. But I’m confused. I thought trolls nutted enough to fill half a bucket. And no offense to your load, or anything, but it only looked about as big as Paul Ryan’s remaining dignity.”

            “There’s a pill for that.” you say, holding up a bottle of genetic material suppressor pills you had out from earlier.

            “Oh. That’s convenient.” he says.

            “Should we talk about this?” you ask.

            “Is there anything you want to talk about?”

            You shake your head. “It was nice, and Satan hasn’t damned us yet for premarital sex.”

            “I feel the same way.” he says, picking up your TV remote. “We still got an hour, wanna watch golf and shit talk all the rich assholes?”

            Fuck yeah, you do. You watch golf with Dave and shit talk all the rich assholes.

**Author's Note:**

> I literally have no excuse for just writing porn and putting it up on the internet, where it can never be truly taken down. Even after I die. And when I'm old, I can look back and think "hey remember that time I wrote a sex scene about two characters from a web comic about god knows what?"
> 
> Anyway, if you came while reading this (how?) that's cool, I guess. But you don't have to tell me in the comments. I mean, you can if you really want to. I won't tell you what to do.


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